The Awakening of a Woman
Exploring Personal Healing through Astrological Transits ~ A Lilith-Mercury Story
The Awakening of a Woman.
Four years ago I shared a video of me dancing in my room.
The sunlight was shining through the large windows.
I remember sitting at my desk when a sudden rush of inspiration struck me.
I was writing my thesis for University back then. Trying not to be “distracted” and listening to music while I was working. After the first seconds of a song playing, I already felt it.
An urge of excitement and my heart widening at the thought of it...
I started dancing for a short moment but a sudden whisper emerged from within.
I want to be seen. I want to film myself. I want to capture this moment, this beauty.
Yes, I felt and saw my own beauty in that moment.
I wanted to be able to show the world this essence.
And I felt scared to do so.
Will I be judged?
How will I do it?
I don't have enough equipment.
Where do I put the camera?
What if I look ugly?
I recognized intrusive thoughts wanting to come through. Years of therapy and shadow work though had given me enough strength to notice them in an instant, and I practiced not feeding them.
Instead I told myself that I should act on my impulse.
I knew that no one was REALLY watching. At least not in the moment. If I didn't like it in the end... there was no real risk.
In the safety of my own decision, my own presence and my own timing, I set up a camera hastily.
I know quite well the feeling of divine inspiration.
I know this spark needs to be nurtured fast!
I did not want it to pass.
I set up my camera inside of my wardrobe shelf, leaning against piles of clothing – unglamorous and unprofessional. I felt awkward seeing the reality of my filming skills.
Yet it did not matter.
And so I started playing the song again, from the beginning, and then...
I closed my eyes and danced.
I swayed and turned.
I could only see shadowy glimpses of what was being recorded and didn't dare to come closer to look.
I decided to focus instead on the movements. I wanted to stay authentic.
And I let the music carry me.
I generated heat as I twirled.
The golden rays of sun made my insides want to burst out in joy and delight.
I felt warm on my skin.
Warm in my heart.
In this moment, I was following an impulse from deep within my soul.
I had danced as a child for many years.
I was fulfilling my own dreams.
There, in my bedroom.
But beyond that, I allowed myself to capture this essence in video.
I was fulfilling my own desire – to be seen. To be recognized. To be beautiful.
When I later watched the footage I felt excited. It was wonderful. So raw and authentic. Mysterious and captivating. Shy and quirky, but also confident and sensual.
I knew I wanted to share it, but I still felt confined by fears and continued pondering over whether to do it or not.
I know that there are so many people who are able to share their dance with a natural ease. People with confidence. People whose beauty have been confirmed over and over again. People with a natural gift of extroversion. I felt those people different than me, yet I wanted to be like them. Not pretending to be like them, but I wanted to free the part inside of me that IS like them.
I questioned myself and my desire. I wonder why I am so hesitant. And at the same time ignited with a spark so strongly glimmering, that it feels as a guiding light shining from within my core. Some time later, I decided to finally share this video on Instagram and felt a rush of excitement once more. Watching it, I felt brought back to the moment of bliss, a beautiful memory.
I felt proud for deciding to show myself in this way.
I felt proud of being able to recognize myself and trust that others will see me for who I am.
I felt proud for allowing myself to inspire through my movement, through my art.
The song's title was “The Awakening of a Woman - Burnout” by The Cinematic Orchestra.
This is the title I gave the post and it is the essence of the process that took place in those moments of dance. I felt a part of me awakening that I had tried putting to sleep. And an ever awake part deep in the cave of feminine mystery that my body and being hold, was thanking me for finally recognizing it again.
Yes, I also felt fear.
Fear of people thinking that I want to seem seductive.
Fear of people who know me beginning to sexualize my body.
Fear of people judging me for wanting attention.
Fear of using a platform for purposes that could be feeding an ego.
Fear that I would start liking to be seen that way.
I remember reading a comment my mother wrote under the video.
“You touched my soul.”
In that moment I felt aligned with my true purpose.
My higher desire.
My pure intention.
And confident that this was felt deeply.
My mother seeing my flowering essence as inspiration, is for me the most beautiful gift to date.
She has been a consistent force of recognition throughout my journey, and knowing her soul touched by my art is one of my guiding lights in times of doubt.
Four years later I sit and ponder to share this video again on social media. Something feels really special about it. A part of me wants it to be in the foreground again. A desire to reaffirm something. Re-establish a presence.
And suddenly, I feel a different curiosity.
Anyone who knows me is aware of my love for noticing synchronicites, weaving together archetypal discoveries and melting the philosophies of life with daily occurrences.
The study of Astrology has opened my awareness to the dances and rhythms of divine archetypes. Expressions of life-force aligning themselves and impacting each other.
Conversations of the soul...
mirrored by life itself...
harnessed through our vision...
interpreted through our mind...
and understood through our heart.
And not only is there astrological information speaking to me, but the information is ever present within words, symbols, feelings. “The Awakening of a Woman” – A title I gave to my post four years ago because it captured a feeling, a sensation.
This phrase was also the name of the song that inspired the dance.
The archetype of awakening, the archetype of a woman – and illumined by the light of the sun shining – all merged together and channeled through my body, my being.
And so naturally, I went on to play out my archetypal “Detective of Life”. Today, as I sit here writing bringing it all to paper, so many factors of awakening are present in the ether around me.
A literal birthday celebration – a cycle around the sun and an entrance into a new phase of life.
The last day of my travels through Portugal – marking the end of a journey and the return to my home – replenished, renewed, and deeply altered.
A tarot card someone else pulled for me the night before – it spoke of alchemical rebirth after purification, and of showing my true gifts to the world, regardless of what others may think of it.
A full Moon Eclipse in Aries, conjunct with the North Node & Chiron – marking realization and new sparks, new initiative energy in conversation with overcoming wounding and taking a step towards fulfilling personal destiny.
I decided to look at the zodiac chart of the exact moment I posted the video four years ago – and align it to the chart of this exact moment that I am considering to post it again.
What energies are at play? I ask myself.
What can I find out, about myself? About this desire?
I look at the two charts aspecting each other.
Four years ago and right now, in the current place I was, here on the lands of Portugal.
Immediately I feel drawn to Lilith.
This energy has a very special place in my life, as the “True Lilith” point is in exact conjunction with my Sun & Mercury in my Natal Chart.
Any illumination of my self, will also inherently activate my Lilith as well.
Four years ago Lilith was in Aries (24°) next to Mars (26°). This explains my drive to take a risk and leap of faith, acting on my desires and caring less about what others may think.
Chiron at this time was also in Aries (8°). and in retrograde motion. This may have made it easier to overcome feelings of wounding in the area of physical, creative expression. Showing myself with confidence & pride, utilizing my physical resources to express my artistic and creative energy... this is exactly where the Wounded Healer (Chiron) resides in my natal chart.
Creative expression is both something I am deeply passionate about and easily channel, and at the same time something I am often afraid of showing and sharing with others. Chiron tells me that overcoming these self-limitations will allow the expressions to be in deep healing service not only for myself, but also for the world. This will happen when I allow myself to express fully and allow myself to be seen... to SHINE.
I see now how my mother's comment (and my emotional reaction) reflect exactly this back to me.
The energies of Lilith and Mars at the time were in square to Venus opposite Pluto in 22° of Cancer (Venus) and Capricorn (Pluto). This shows the power of transformation that any desires of the moment were able to evoke. A square to Mars/Lilith shows the intensity and depth of this internal process and explains why I felt so much passion and emotions in regards to something seemingly so “normal”.
That is to say, I do dance quite often in my room…
This time though, it felt unusual.
Fiery.
A divine spark that brings me towards personal evolution.
A conversation between my rebellious nature and my raw femininity, expressing through watery desires (emotions and being in my own home, in safety) to bring upon evolution and transform personal shadow elements (opposition to Pluto). Pluto was also in retrograde and very close to Saturn (also in retrograde, in 26° of Capricorn).
This shows me that it was easier to overcome perceived limitations and override structures I had set up for myself (e.g. writing my thesis) to, instead, act on a soul level. It symbolizes the fears I carried around, and the longing to transform them.
Fears about who could perceive my dance as “too sensual”, as provocative or even sexual. This fear connected to men in my life, parental figures and people I wanted to be respected by.
So with all of this information from the past, how does the current moment play into the picture?
Well in this exact moment, the Sun now resides in the zodiacal wheel the EXACT PLACE where four years ago, we saw Chiron. This explains why I am reflecting upon the wounding, analyzing it... Intellectually exploring it…
Even exploring it at all.
Why I notice it to begin with!
(Because the Sun is shining its light on the matter.)
Most curious to me is that Mercury is exactly where Lilith was in 25° Aries, while Lilith is exactly where Mercury was, in 19° Virgo.
Mercury emphasizes the communication aspect and supports this inquiry about my raw (and at times still repressed) desires of wanting to be seen through dance and art.
Lilith is allowing for the communication to happen regardless of fear and is rebelling for this topic to be spoken out!
Asteroid Juno resides in 8° of Virgo today, the same degree the Sun was in back then. This highlights the awareness of my commitments to myself, and the regal sense of authority with which I can choose to shine and be seen. Choosing to be in harmonious flow with my true self and my unique way of shining my gifts.
Venus is, in this moment in 19° of Pisces, in trine with the point Venus was four years ago. This resembles my intuitive attraction to follow my passion and understand my values and desires. Venus also sits right where Neptune was, which allows for a deeper understanding of my artistic expression back then and moves this understanding through the liminal space beyond time. Neptune helps me sense how I connects with my spirituality, visions, senses, art and healing.
Right now, Mars is in 5° of Pisces, sitting exactly where asteroid Ceres was seen back then. This brings up themes of collecting harvests of the past through actions in the present. Being able to grasp valuable insight after a process of maturation. Being able to take actions that relate to my ability to nurture myself – through initiation, determination and courage.
Hence, why I am able to finally sit down and bring this into written form – beyond just thinking about it. Allowing myself to present and SHARE the fruits of this process, this insight, with others.
Present-Mars and Past-Ceres are also in direct trine to the Moon's position of today in 4° of Scorpio. This explains to me why I sense such a deep relevance of all of this. My intuition tells me of its important role in bigger cycles and seasons.
A psychological process that transmutes emotions of the past and continues a work of healing in the present.
A step of transformation that allows me to adapt new behaviors (Mars trine Moon) and express them.
Four years ago, the Moon was sextile to Chiron. So the consideration of sharing a video once more, that had already been such a precious emotional gem to me, is the reflection of how potent this action was – and is – to bring soothing towards a deep aspect of self. Overcoming residues of feeling unlovable and unworthy, is an essential part of innovating my life and bringing in new qualities (the Moon was in Aquarius back then).
Another supportive aspect is this one:
In 15°/17° of Capricorn we find Ceres today, and Jupiter four years ago.
In 16°/10° of Taurus we find Jupiter today and Uranus four years ago.
With Mercury in Virgo, this forms a grand trine between the three Earth signs.
This aspect expands and supports the grounding of a process into the physical realm and the wisdom, through the actual body. Themes of harvest, protection, expansion and radical change are playing together between the dimensions of space and time.
Overall I can see there is a divine conversation happening between Lilith and my core being, in its shining essence.
It trickles through my identity, and shows me how I crave deeply to nurture myself — and be experienced.
My desires of expression relate very much to showcasing my art, to being on stage, to being witnessed, observed and acknowledged. Yet this very thing scares me in many ways.
While cultivating a practice of performing music, dance is still often subject to hesitation for me when it comes to public performance. Even though I love dancing alone, I love dancing at parties, I love dancing at ecstatic dance events, and I used to perform ballet and jazz on public stages for 6 years of my life, I feel a huge fear around expressing my capacity to dance in a “certain” way.
A fear of too much feminine attractiveness.
Too much sensuality.
Too much skin.
Too much hip swaying.
Too much appeal.
Too much...
Though, deeper in the core, it is not really the mere act of dancing that brings upon fear.
It is the underlying Lilith aspect of wanting to be magnetic.
Of wanting to be hypnotizing, to be attractive.
Of wanting to be awe-inspiring.
Of wanting to use energy that is available to me, and that I love using, knowing that it will impact others beyond my control.
The underlying fear of no control.
Of vulnerability.
Of judgment for wanting to be seen.
The deepest root lays within...
... self-judgment.
Right now we see Chiron & the North Node conjunct in Aries.
And even more so, in these two weeks we have two eclipses on the Aries-Libra axis in conjunciton to this aspect!
First a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse and then a New Moon Solar Eclipse.
And in these two personal astrological charts I am reflecting upon now, these Eclipse degrees are sitting right in the middle of the conversation between Lilith/Mars to the right, and Sun/Chiron to the left.
Four years ago, the North Node in Gemini was sextile to Lilith.
Today, this is exactly where Mercury sits, once again highlighting their conversation, and the destiny they contribute to.
All of this shows the importance that small actions can have on profound parts of the story of the soul.
Subtle changes can be of the utmost relevance in an effort to transmute fears.
The path towards living in harmony with your true desires, your true purpose. A first step into the unknown terrain, venturing beyond old habits and limitations.
Lilith needs to be given space to speak as it speaks through me.
Because this archetype is merged with Mercury and the Sun in my natal aspects, it is so deeply in my essence.
Ultimately, Lilith is afraid of misunderstandings, and she is quite aware of her potential to be disastrous. The archetypal Lilith may expect to be rejected or punished for her repulsiveness. Yet Lilith carries a big sense of freedom within. A raw force of following the beat of your own drum. Following the inner-most craving. Following the independent and unique ways.
Of self-sovereign and self-governed expression.
In the core, Lilith is able to offer healing. When no longer demonized, but instead being received with respect of her wisdom. Given a place at the divine table or representation.
Then Lilith softens and melts, for the true purpose of Lilith is to break away perceptions limiting us from our own inner freedom.
Lilith is an archetype containing so much more!
I hope that this sharing has provided you not only a small insight into the world of Lilith Consciousnes, but also demonstrated one way to include astrological events in your own personal reflections.
Using the chart to inquire, confirm, and honor what is going on!
What a perfect time for all of this information to culminate!
What a divinely orchestrated cyclical journey this is…
What great teachers these archetypes are, once we understand and realize their actual potential and possibility…
Energetic currents are weaving invisible patterns of expressions, that are in constant flow and interaction with each other.
⚶ May this be an inspiration to trust your own intuition of the moment – to take action!
⚶ May this be a reminder that all things are connected!
⚶ May this be a calling to look deeper at your own weaving – and find true wisdom within.
Thank you for reading.
…..AND…
Here is the (not so scandalous after all) video:
(reposted in 2024)
